I prayed. For so very long, when my mouth would not utter words & I could not adequately voice the thoughts, my heart whispered intently upon the desire within & hope was spoken.
When time & again advice was given based upon a birth diagnosis & symptoms thereafter; text jotted down in a medical file with an abundant layer of thickness and I gazed intently upon the stern, grim & often distant in compassion brow of a white coat individual only to hear profound urges against a yearning that would not back down, I, as well as many, prayed.
After meeting the man whom the Lord placed upon my path surrounded by stain glassed windows, the echoes of hymns and a steeple above, a marriage union molded and for what our future held, I prayed.
Vows exchanged & instantly designed in belt buckles, boots & cowboy hats, two became one plus two tiny more. Years of uncertainty, mishaps, (mainly upon my shoulders, for that lacking I carried but not well,) trudging deep into a role unlike any I could have imagined yet a blessing certainly given. Those children I dearly adored. My steps needed guiding and most perfect grace given. Although the shoes I did not completely fill, not a day passed by that I didn’t pray.
Miracle years in the making, a foundation firm upon the truth within His word & although at times faith wavering moments, I found myself experiencing the ripple of the tiniest of movements, hiccups within & complete certainty that there is evidence of one who knows the lullaby of the rhythm of my heartbeat. As I gaze at his grin, embrace his laughter & see the composition of tear stained pews & alter steps, I am well aware of the beauty of a canvas sketched in love walking with two feet. For this child, I prayed.
A new season, a journey I had not adequately prepared for, at times I find myself pondering upon the two little ones my eyes had yet to focus upon. Their heartbeat yet faint and then lacking completely places the permanency of their presence within my womb & my very core. True, occasionally I question the outline of their features, simplicity of their yawn or memories that would have been created with their three brothers, yet I take a deep breath and can rest in the comfort that their Heavenly Father knows them well and their Daddy now has the most precious opportunity to reside with both and prepare the most glorious welcome. Through the roller coaster ride of uncertainty, loss and joy, I have fervently prayed.
Medical odds, uncertain circumstance, & all that I have strayed from; lessons yet acquired, I am so very unworthy. For His goodness, His guidance and unconditional love I have been gifted with an honor that many desire to attain; the greatest blessing above any other I could have ever fathomed. Raising my son and soaking in the moments that pave way for His will to unfold, daily I pray.
Through it all, He is so very good.
He is enough. He offers enough mercy; grace, for this day.